A New Journey.

Well it's a start to a new journey, a new beginning, a new adventure. So many changes has happened in the past 2 months I don't know where to begin. First off let me get the general news out of the way, Joey and I are still NOT pregnant but it was nice to take the summer off from all the doctor appts and being poked by needles every other day. Now that summer is coming to an end and I was offered an full-time position at my school we will have better benefits and will no longer have to pay for blood work (saving us a grand total of..... drumroll please...... $300.00 a month) In the grand scheme of things that does not seem like a lot but I'll take it :) Our new benefits begin October 1, 2013 and we are going to try another IUI that month, 5th ones a charm..... right????

Like I mentioned above I am now full-time in my school district YAY!!!! I love my school so much and the people I work with is what makes the position over the top wonderful. When I go to work it doesn't seem like work, it's something I look forward to going to M-F. I could not ask for a better counseling department to work with. But there is a downside of getting the full-time position, since we live 120 miles from Newport I am no longer able to make that drive )I've done it for two years and I have killed me everyday) jk it was not that bad but I'm over it. So Joey and I are moving to OC..... Leaving SD is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, this is my home, I love it here, I'm so sad to be moving, Buttttt it's only an hour away and it's for the best, It's what we are meant to do right now. Everything has gone so smoothly with me getting this position and us finding a condo I know this is God's plan for us right now. It's bitter/sweet for sure.

Back to baby news, once again everyone is pregnant but only now it's tenfold. It's now my good friends and family members, before it was only random people I saw on the streets and at church or friends of friends but now it's people I have to interact with, people I see on a weekly basis, discussions I must engage in and overhear. I feel like I have gotten so much better with it though, I still don't want to discuss their pregnancy but I'm okay to be around them a little more. I have some friends who I know are scared to talk about the "baby subject" around me but I smile with the approval that I'm okay. Oh that reminds me, I had the nicest thing happen the other day. One of my co-workers and his wife recently found out they were having a baby and wanted to make the "FB announcement", but before they did they reached out to Joey and I to let us know first and give their encouragement to us. I just thought that was so sweet. We are not super close friends but rather than us seeing it on FB they went out of their way to express their empathy and just give us an FYI.

One last IUI in October, that will probably be the last one before moving on to IVF. Now that we are moving I will need to find a new fertility specialist which I am okay with. I liked Dr. Lori Arnold but with all the money we paid her with no success I don't think it will hurt to try someone new. I will try and update my blog a little more often, I know I am not very good about it, hehe. Well I'm off to enjoy the last week of my summer break with my hubby :) xoxo

1 Year Wedding Anniversary Trip, June Lake/Yosemite

Joey and I just got back from the most amazing places, June Lake and Yosemite. The water was as clear as the summer nights sky, the beauty of the trees and waterfalls were mesmerizing as the air was as crisp and clean as sheets coming fresh out of the dryer. June Lake is somewhere Joey traveled with his family growing up and every since we met talked about the sights and fishing June Lake offered. When we were there we saw deer, went on bike rides, went fishing (I caught the first fish) and went hiking to the peaks and valleys of surrounding mountains. Sitting there one summer night with the campfire lit and Joey and I roasting marshmallows I thought to myself, "wow has it really been one year already, oh how fast life goes by."

One of the days we were at June Lake we had a raft that we filled with air and put into the lake to go fishing off of, well that idea was very short lived, as soon as we got the raft into the water and we both got in it it began to deflate and with the slight breeze that was blowing as much and Joey tried to row we kept getting pushed back to shore. None-the-less it was a funny, yet embarrassing adventure. Lesson learned to blow up a raft you need more then a battery powered pump to keep afloat.

Hiking was incredible both at June Lake and Yosemite, the waterfalls in Yosemite were to die for. In Yosemite we rode bikes to Yosemite Falls (Lower Falls) and Joey hiked 1/2 way up Upper Falls jumping from rock to rock up the waterfall. My favorite hike was up half dome where we went to Mist Falls (yes the fall is so powerful you get soaked with mist as you climb the 600 steps up to it). And then Joey talked me into hiking up to the next waterfall called Nevada Falls (which I'm so glad I did). It was a hard, we were going up a lot in elevation in a short amount of time but when we made it the payoff was worth every step.

Baby, Baby- Stages of Faith Test

This morning at church it felt like God's message was directed perfectly to Joey and I. It felt like there was no one else in the room but me and God, and through Pastor Jason, He knew exactly what I needed to hear. We know God hears our cry of his help, feels the pain we experience yearning for a child and it's nice to hear His response. God gave us the dream to have a child, a dream that we will never stop dreaming, a life we will never stop hoping for, a love so strong for something that you can not see or feel, a decision to trust God's timing. We are taking a step of faith and make a decision to trust God, we know that God delays our dreams and allows us to experience difficulty, brings us to a dead end, but we also know that in the end God ALWAYS delivers in His time. 

Genesis 21:2 "Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him."

Adoption Orientation

After another failed IUI (3rd one to date) today is a big day for Joey and I, today we are attending an adoption orientation to get on a list for adopting a newborn baby in San Diego. I'm not sure what to expect or if I'm ready for this but we have been praying about a sign or direction and it seems like this is the current direction God is taking us. The first step is the orientation which we have scheduled for tonight at 5:30pm down in San Diego. At the orientation I was told we will receive an application and once we have it filled out and submitted then we complete a home study, where a adoption worker comes to our home and interviews us (both together and individually) a background check is completed, basically they look into every aspect of our lives, which we are fine with.  There are a few other legal steps I'm not going to bore you with. once that is approved a and a match is made our baby is placed with us and we file a petition for adoption with the court. If successful, a final adoption order will be put on record by the court. We will get a new birth certificate for our baby and all our legal rights and responsibilities as parents will take effect....... And we will be a MOMMY AND A DADDY!!!! I'm being told that the paperwork along can take up to a year but we are willing to jump through every hoop and knock down every barrier put in our way. This is our journey for now, this is our focus, we have done everything possible from our end and now we are putting our faith and trust in God's hands because we know that He knows what is best for us. 

I am so done being preggo!

It seems like not that long ago I was commenting on her very first ultrasound photos and congratulating her on her pregnancy. She replied with a nice thank-you message, saying it had taken her and her husband nearly a year and a half to conceive their baby girl. She said she was at the point of total frustration when they got their BFP, and she wouldn't take this pregnancy, or anything that comes with it, for granted.

But it seems that, somewhere along the way, everyone who has trouble getting pregnant forgets this promise. Soon after, they are bitching about morning sickness. Or how they "really wish" they could have just one drink. They are upset when their clothes don't fit anymore, or when they can no longer wear their wedding rings because their fingers are too swollen. They are secretly disappointed when the sex of the baby isn't what they wanted or predicted. And they promise "no more kids!" with every contraction. They tell childbirth horror stories to women who are pregnant with their first (or trying to conceive their first), and cry about not getting any sleep. They send out mass e-mails to their family and friends--with week by week updates on their child--along with at least ten photos of their baby doing pretty much the same thing in each one.

It will take a lot of dedication, but when I am finally blessed with that moment--that moment when those two little lines appear on that stark-white stick--I am going to try my very hardest to enjoy and savor every moment of my pregnancy. From the morning sickness to the cankles, it will be a life-changing experience.

And I can't wait to have it.

The membership no one wants.

Sitting in the waiting room at the infertility office is an interesting experience. When I'm there, I feel like I'm a member of a secret society--a society where age, race, sex, religion, and socioeconomic background simply don't matter. We all sit quietly with our heads down. Occasionally we look up, glance around, and exchange an empathetic smile with another "member." We are all aiming for the same goal. Our membership cards come in the form of small, white pills and syringes. There are expensive dues that come along with this society, but we hope the payout will be worth it. 

When one of us gets bad news, we know only the other members can truly understand the pain and suffering deep within our hearts. When one of us gets good news, we are sensitive to the others, who are always the first in line to congratulate us. Because they are the only ones who know how hard we've worked. We often don't need to say a word for other society members to understand how we feel. A look or a moment of silence is all we need to convey our emotions. 

Some of us arrived here with our husbands. Others came alone. Some of us were born into this society, and all of us will die as members--regardless of whether or not we achieve our goal. Some of us will remain positive until the very end, finding hope and joy in every step along the way. Others will become calloused and bitter, angry at members who reached their goal and sad about the loss of something they have never felt. Some of us wear our membership on our sleeves. Others hide it beneath their layers of clothing, bringing it out only in their home or doctor's office where they feel most comfortable and secure. We are branded for life: infertile. It's like the scarlet letter. The letter, which was originally meant to shame her, becomes a symbol of Hester's identity. Instead of feeling guilt and isolation, she feels strength. Infertility is like this. We can let it make us feel like outcasts, or we can use it for good--to feel powerful when this disease makes us feel so powerless.

I curse my fate a lot. I've done it on this blog, to my husband, to my friends and family, and in the confines of my own head and aching heart. But being in the waiting room at the  office made me feel at peace, like I was home with my people. As I sat there listening for my name to be called. I'm thankful to have the support system that I do in the infertility community. I have never met any of you, but you have been there for me in ways my real-life friends simply can't be. 

The Beginning......

The Beginning

It's time. I have often wondered if a blog can sometimes confuse people. Do they wonder where the focus might be? Why people write stories one day, talk about how God inspires them the next and then throw a little crafty thing in there? Is it a type of therapy for the one writing it and counseling for the one reading? I'm not sure, but if it helps us from re-telling our story so we don't have to relive the pain it's worth it to me.......

In my blog you will share with me the pain of infertility, the path through someday hopefully becoming parents and understanding what it means to have radical faith. So here goes...

OK. I am staring at the monitor wondering how to begin this.

Let's start wiiiiiiith...Once upon a time...I got married.


July 7, 2012 to be exact. A beautiful outside wedding in Carlsbad, California where we live. My husband and I started dating around summer of 2010, engaged in Paris, France December 22, 2011 and BAM...married 7 months later. Joey and I are very involved in church and attended pre-marital counseling classes prior to walking down the isle, during those classes is where our Faith grew the most and we slowly became ONE FLESH. 

My Vows I read to my husband on our wedding day:

"Joey you are my dream come true, you are my world, you are the joy in my heart, the laughter in my voice, and the smile on my face. The first time you kissed me I knew that we shared something special, and it wasn't long after that I fell in love with you and realized that you are the one that I was meant to spend my life with, I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it in my heart. You are the most incredible man I have ever known, and you make me feel amazing every single day, I am so excited, and completely elated to be standing here with you today. You are the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything.

I promise to you...

That I will love you always, with my whole heart.

That I will always be there for you, in good times and bad, may we always laugh together like we do now, and may the stormy days we encounter and the trials we face only make us stronger.

I promise to celebrate with you, to encourage you, to always believe in you and to always be proud of the man you are.

I promise to comfort, support and defend you if life ever brings you sorrow.

I promise to be forever faithful to you.

I promise that from this day forward I will always love, honor and respect you, I will always stand by your side, there is nothing I won't do for you, all of my life.

I promise to always listen to the words you speak, and listen even harder for the ones that you don't.

I promise to bring joy, strength and smiles into your life.

May the bond that we make today, never be broken, and may it only grow stronger for the rest of our lives, may we never forget how we felt the first time we stared into each others eyes, the first time we said I love you and how we feel standing here today, because our love is exactly that, Ours. And you and I , and only you and I, have the ability to nourish it and make it strong and grow. It is our strength that binds us and our love that will carry us through, all the days of our lives.

You are where my heart is, and the reason that I believe in love. As I have given you my hand to hold, I give you my heart to keep."

Who Knew It Would Be This Complicated!

Within a few days of being married, we decide to start trying to have a baby. We didn't know what "infertility" entailed, maybe a few extra steps, some medicine, an extra trip to the doctors? Who knew I would end up giving myself shots. And so began our journey through infertility, that I thought [so naively] was not a big deal.

Initially, it was not something we felt sad or worried about. I was not yet in the infertility trenches of yearning for a child. I was in the beginning stage of asking ourselves, how long will this really take? I will take chlomid pills, give it a whirl a few months and there you have it...we will make a baby. Uh, NOT what happened. 

After doing 4 cycles of chlomid with no indications of HCG, it was time to be referred to an Infertility Specialist, Dr. Lori Arnold.

This is when ALLLLLL the pieces began coming together to form the much needed BIG PICTURE for me. Here was the bottom line which finally became reality for me...it will be hard to get pregnant. Period.

It is the strangest thing. When you talk to anyone who has had a similar journey, you realize they never really can forget. The sadness and pain, I mean. Someone in my church support group who has 4 children under 3 (triplets about to turn 3 and a 13 month old) still says it is hard to hear when people are pregnant. The same for me. And everyone I know seems to have a bun cooking or the timer just went off. But I will delve into that issue a little later. Just wanted you to get a sneak peek into the genesis of April becoming a mommy. 

Until my next post...... <3