The NOT SO big 3-0!

1 more day until I'm 30 and 3 more days until the infertility stuff starts again. I can't even begin to describe how sad I am to know I have to manage this process again. All the doctor appointments, blood tests, waiting and hoping on top of my extremely busy job. Today I am angry, why does everyone around me get to have kids! My husband and I are good people and have done things the right way.... why are we not being blessed! I try so hard to stay positive, meaning I try not to think about it but most of the time that's easier said then done! I am applying for another grant, last time we were runner up, so maybe this time there will be hope and we'll win. Please pray for us!

A New Journey.

Well it's a start to a new journey, a new beginning, a new adventure. So many changes has happened in the past 2 months I don't know where to begin. First off let me get the general news out of the way, Joey and I are still NOT pregnant but it was nice to take the summer off from all the doctor appts and being poked by needles every other day. Now that summer is coming to an end and I was offered an full-time position at my school we will have better benefits and will no longer have to pay for blood work (saving us a grand total of..... drumroll please...... $300.00 a month) In the grand scheme of things that does not seem like a lot but I'll take it :) Our new benefits begin October 1, 2013 and we are going to try another IUI that month, 5th ones a charm..... right????

Like I mentioned above I am now full-time in my school district YAY!!!! I love my school so much and the people I work with is what makes the position over the top wonderful. When I go to work it doesn't seem like work, it's something I look forward to going to M-F. I could not ask for a better counseling department to work with. But there is a downside of getting the full-time position, since we live 120 miles from Newport I am no longer able to make that drive )I've done it for two years and I have killed me everyday) jk it was not that bad but I'm over it. So Joey and I are moving to OC..... Leaving SD is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, this is my home, I love it here, I'm so sad to be moving, Buttttt it's only an hour away and it's for the best, It's what we are meant to do right now. Everything has gone so smoothly with me getting this position and us finding a condo I know this is God's plan for us right now. It's bitter/sweet for sure.

Back to baby news, once again everyone is pregnant but only now it's tenfold. It's now my good friends and family members, before it was only random people I saw on the streets and at church or friends of friends but now it's people I have to interact with, people I see on a weekly basis, discussions I must engage in and overhear. I feel like I have gotten so much better with it though, I still don't want to discuss their pregnancy but I'm okay to be around them a little more. I have some friends who I know are scared to talk about the "baby subject" around me but I smile with the approval that I'm okay. Oh that reminds me, I had the nicest thing happen the other day. One of my co-workers and his wife recently found out they were having a baby and wanted to make the "FB announcement", but before they did they reached out to Joey and I to let us know first and give their encouragement to us. I just thought that was so sweet. We are not super close friends but rather than us seeing it on FB they went out of their way to express their empathy and just give us an FYI.

One last IUI in October, that will probably be the last one before moving on to IVF. Now that we are moving I will need to find a new fertility specialist which I am okay with. I liked Dr. Lori Arnold but with all the money we paid her with no success I don't think it will hurt to try someone new. I will try and update my blog a little more often, I know I am not very good about it, hehe. Well I'm off to enjoy the last week of my summer break with my hubby :) xoxo

1 Year Wedding Anniversary Trip, June Lake/Yosemite

Joey and I just got back from the most amazing places, June Lake and Yosemite. The water was as clear as the summer nights sky, the beauty of the trees and waterfalls were mesmerizing as the air was as crisp and clean as sheets coming fresh out of the dryer. June Lake is somewhere Joey traveled with his family growing up and every since we met talked about the sights and fishing June Lake offered. When we were there we saw deer, went on bike rides, went fishing (I caught the first fish) and went hiking to the peaks and valleys of surrounding mountains. Sitting there one summer night with the campfire lit and Joey and I roasting marshmallows I thought to myself, "wow has it really been one year already, oh how fast life goes by."

One of the days we were at June Lake we had a raft that we filled with air and put into the lake to go fishing off of, well that idea was very short lived, as soon as we got the raft into the water and we both got in it it began to deflate and with the slight breeze that was blowing as much and Joey tried to row we kept getting pushed back to shore. None-the-less it was a funny, yet embarrassing adventure. Lesson learned to blow up a raft you need more then a battery powered pump to keep afloat.

Hiking was incredible both at June Lake and Yosemite, the waterfalls in Yosemite were to die for. In Yosemite we rode bikes to Yosemite Falls (Lower Falls) and Joey hiked 1/2 way up Upper Falls jumping from rock to rock up the waterfall. My favorite hike was up half dome where we went to Mist Falls (yes the fall is so powerful you get soaked with mist as you climb the 600 steps up to it). And then Joey talked me into hiking up to the next waterfall called Nevada Falls (which I'm so glad I did). It was a hard, we were going up a lot in elevation in a short amount of time but when we made it the payoff was worth every step.

Baby, Baby- Stages of Faith Test

This morning at church it felt like God's message was directed perfectly to Joey and I. It felt like there was no one else in the room but me and God, and through Pastor Jason, He knew exactly what I needed to hear. We know God hears our cry of his help, feels the pain we experience yearning for a child and it's nice to hear His response. God gave us the dream to have a child, a dream that we will never stop dreaming, a life we will never stop hoping for, a love so strong for something that you can not see or feel, a decision to trust God's timing. We are taking a step of faith and make a decision to trust God, we know that God delays our dreams and allows us to experience difficulty, brings us to a dead end, but we also know that in the end God ALWAYS delivers in His time. 

Genesis 21:2 "Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him."

Adoption Orientation

After another failed IUI (3rd one to date) today is a big day for Joey and I, today we are attending an adoption orientation to get on a list for adopting a newborn baby in San Diego. I'm not sure what to expect or if I'm ready for this but we have been praying about a sign or direction and it seems like this is the current direction God is taking us. The first step is the orientation which we have scheduled for tonight at 5:30pm down in San Diego. At the orientation I was told we will receive an application and once we have it filled out and submitted then we complete a home study, where a adoption worker comes to our home and interviews us (both together and individually) a background check is completed, basically they look into every aspect of our lives, which we are fine with.  There are a few other legal steps I'm not going to bore you with. once that is approved a and a match is made our baby is placed with us and we file a petition for adoption with the court. If successful, a final adoption order will be put on record by the court. We will get a new birth certificate for our baby and all our legal rights and responsibilities as parents will take effect....... And we will be a MOMMY AND A DADDY!!!! I'm being told that the paperwork along can take up to a year but we are willing to jump through every hoop and knock down every barrier put in our way. This is our journey for now, this is our focus, we have done everything possible from our end and now we are putting our faith and trust in God's hands because we know that He knows what is best for us. 

I am so done being preggo!

It seems like not that long ago I was commenting on her very first ultrasound photos and congratulating her on her pregnancy. She replied with a nice thank-you message, saying it had taken her and her husband nearly a year and a half to conceive their baby girl. She said she was at the point of total frustration when they got their BFP, and she wouldn't take this pregnancy, or anything that comes with it, for granted.

But it seems that, somewhere along the way, everyone who has trouble getting pregnant forgets this promise. Soon after, they are bitching about morning sickness. Or how they "really wish" they could have just one drink. They are upset when their clothes don't fit anymore, or when they can no longer wear their wedding rings because their fingers are too swollen. They are secretly disappointed when the sex of the baby isn't what they wanted or predicted. And they promise "no more kids!" with every contraction. They tell childbirth horror stories to women who are pregnant with their first (or trying to conceive their first), and cry about not getting any sleep. They send out mass e-mails to their family and friends--with week by week updates on their child--along with at least ten photos of their baby doing pretty much the same thing in each one.

It will take a lot of dedication, but when I am finally blessed with that moment--that moment when those two little lines appear on that stark-white stick--I am going to try my very hardest to enjoy and savor every moment of my pregnancy. From the morning sickness to the cankles, it will be a life-changing experience.

And I can't wait to have it.

The membership no one wants.

Sitting in the waiting room at the infertility office is an interesting experience. When I'm there, I feel like I'm a member of a secret society--a society where age, race, sex, religion, and socioeconomic background simply don't matter. We all sit quietly with our heads down. Occasionally we look up, glance around, and exchange an empathetic smile with another "member." We are all aiming for the same goal. Our membership cards come in the form of small, white pills and syringes. There are expensive dues that come along with this society, but we hope the payout will be worth it. 

When one of us gets bad news, we know only the other members can truly understand the pain and suffering deep within our hearts. When one of us gets good news, we are sensitive to the others, who are always the first in line to congratulate us. Because they are the only ones who know how hard we've worked. We often don't need to say a word for other society members to understand how we feel. A look or a moment of silence is all we need to convey our emotions. 

Some of us arrived here with our husbands. Others came alone. Some of us were born into this society, and all of us will die as members--regardless of whether or not we achieve our goal. Some of us will remain positive until the very end, finding hope and joy in every step along the way. Others will become calloused and bitter, angry at members who reached their goal and sad about the loss of something they have never felt. Some of us wear our membership on our sleeves. Others hide it beneath their layers of clothing, bringing it out only in their home or doctor's office where they feel most comfortable and secure. We are branded for life: infertile. It's like the scarlet letter. The letter, which was originally meant to shame her, becomes a symbol of Hester's identity. Instead of feeling guilt and isolation, she feels strength. Infertility is like this. We can let it make us feel like outcasts, or we can use it for good--to feel powerful when this disease makes us feel so powerless.

I curse my fate a lot. I've done it on this blog, to my husband, to my friends and family, and in the confines of my own head and aching heart. But being in the waiting room at the  office made me feel at peace, like I was home with my people. As I sat there listening for my name to be called. I'm thankful to have the support system that I do in the infertility community. I have never met any of you, but you have been there for me in ways my real-life friends simply can't be.