Sunday, June 23, 2013

Baby, Baby- Stages of Faith Test

This morning at church it felt like God's message was directed perfectly to Joey and I. It felt like there was no one else in the room but me and God, and through Pastor Jason, He knew exactly what I needed to hear. We know God hears our cry of his help, feels the pain we experience yearning for a child and it's nice to hear His response. God gave us the dream to have a child, a dream that we will never stop dreaming, a life we will never stop hoping for, a love so strong for something that you can not see or feel, a decision to trust God's timing. We are taking a step of faith and make a decision to trust God, we know that God delays our dreams and allows us to experience difficulty, brings us to a dead end, but we also know that in the end God ALWAYS delivers in His time. 

Genesis 21:2 "Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him."

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Adoption Orientation

After another failed IUI (3rd one to date) today is a big day for Joey and I, today we are attending an adoption orientation to get on a list for adopting a newborn baby in San Diego. I'm not sure what to expect or if I'm ready for this but we have been praying about a sign or direction and it seems like this is the current direction God is taking us. The first step is the orientation which we have scheduled for tonight at 5:30pm down in San Diego. At the orientation I was told we will receive an application and once we have it filled out and submitted then we complete a home study, where a adoption worker comes to our home and interviews us (both together and individually) a background check is completed, basically they look into every aspect of our lives, which we are fine with.  There are a few other legal steps I'm not going to bore you with. once that is approved a and a match is made our baby is placed with us and we file a petition for adoption with the court. If successful, a final adoption order will be put on record by the court. We will get a new birth certificate for our baby and all our legal rights and responsibilities as parents will take effect....... And we will be a MOMMY AND A DADDY!!!! I'm being told that the paperwork along can take up to a year but we are willing to jump through every hoop and knock down every barrier put in our way. This is our journey for now, this is our focus, we have done everything possible from our end and now we are putting our faith and trust in God's hands because we know that He knows what is best for us. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I am so done being preggo!

It seems like not that long ago I was commenting on her very first ultrasound photos and congratulating her on her pregnancy. She replied with a nice thank-you message, saying it had taken her and her husband nearly a year and a half to conceive their baby girl. She said she was at the point of total frustration when they got their BFP, and she wouldn't take this pregnancy, or anything that comes with it, for granted.

But it seems that, somewhere along the way, everyone who has trouble getting pregnant forgets this promise. Soon after, they are bitching about morning sickness. Or how they "really wish" they could have just one drink. They are upset when their clothes don't fit anymore, or when they can no longer wear their wedding rings because their fingers are too swollen. They are secretly disappointed when the sex of the baby isn't what they wanted or predicted. And they promise "no more kids!" with every contraction. They tell childbirth horror stories to women who are pregnant with their first (or trying to conceive their first), and cry about not getting any sleep. They send out mass e-mails to their family and friends--with week by week updates on their child--along with at least ten photos of their baby doing pretty much the same thing in each one.

It will take a lot of dedication, but when I am finally blessed with that moment--that moment when those two little lines appear on that stark-white stick--I am going to try my very hardest to enjoy and savor every moment of my pregnancy. From the morning sickness to the cankles, it will be a life-changing experience.

And I can't wait to have it.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

The membership no one wants.

Sitting in the waiting room at the infertility office is an interesting experience. When I'm there, I feel like I'm a member of a secret society--a society where age, race, sex, religion, and socioeconomic background simply don't matter. We all sit quietly with our heads down. Occasionally we look up, glance around, and exchange an empathetic smile with another "member." We are all aiming for the same goal. Our membership cards come in the form of small, white pills and syringes. There are expensive dues that come along with this society, but we hope the payout will be worth it. 

When one of us gets bad news, we know only the other members can truly understand the pain and suffering deep within our hearts. When one of us gets good news, we are sensitive to the others, who are always the first in line to congratulate us. Because they are the only ones who know how hard we've worked. We often don't need to say a word for other society members to understand how we feel. A look or a moment of silence is all we need to convey our emotions. 

Some of us arrived here with our husbands. Others came alone. Some of us were born into this society, and all of us will die as members--regardless of whether or not we achieve our goal. Some of us will remain positive until the very end, finding hope and joy in every step along the way. Others will become calloused and bitter, angry at members who reached their goal and sad about the loss of something they have never felt. Some of us wear our membership on our sleeves. Others hide it beneath their layers of clothing, bringing it out only in their home or doctor's office where they feel most comfortable and secure. We are branded for life: infertile. It's like the scarlet letter. The letter, which was originally meant to shame her, becomes a symbol of Hester's identity. Instead of feeling guilt and isolation, she feels strength. Infertility is like this. We can let it make us feel like outcasts, or we can use it for good--to feel powerful when this disease makes us feel so powerless.

I curse my fate a lot. I've done it on this blog, to my husband, to my friends and family, and in the confines of my own head and aching heart. But being in the waiting room at the  office made me feel at peace, like I was home with my people. As I sat there listening for my name to be called. I'm thankful to have the support system that I do in the infertility community. I have never met any of you, but you have been there for me in ways my real-life friends simply can't be. 

The Beginning......

The Beginning

It's time. I have often wondered if a blog can sometimes confuse people. Do they wonder where the focus might be? Why people write stories one day, talk about how God inspires them the next and then throw a little crafty thing in there? Is it a type of therapy for the one writing it and counseling for the one reading? I'm not sure, but if it helps us from re-telling our story so we don't have to relive the pain it's worth it to me.......

In my blog you will share with me the pain of infertility, the path through someday hopefully becoming parents and understanding what it means to have radical faith. So here goes...

OK. I am staring at the monitor wondering how to begin this.

Let's start wiiiiiiith...Once upon a time...I got married.

July 7, 2012 to be exact. A beautiful outside wedding in Carlsbad, California where we live. My husband and I started dating around summer of 2010, engaged in Paris, France December 22, 2011 and BAM...married 7 months later. Joey and I are very involved in church and attended pre-marital counseling classes prior to walking down the isle, during those classes is where our Faith grew the most and we slowly became ONE FLESH. 

My Vows I read to my husband on our wedding day:

"Joey you are my dream come true, you are my world, you are the joy in my heart, the laughter in my voice, and the smile on my face. The first time you kissed me I knew that we shared something special, and it wasn't long after that I fell in love with you and realized that you are the one that I was meant to spend my life with, I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it in my heart. You are the most incredible man I have ever known, and you make me feel amazing every single day, I am so excited, and completely elated to be standing here with you today. You are the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything.

I promise to you...

That I will love you always, with my whole heart.

That I will always be there for you, in good times and bad, may we always laugh together like we do now, and may the stormy days we encounter and the trials we face only make us stronger.

I promise to celebrate with you, to encourage you, to always believe in you and to always be proud of the man you are.

I promise to comfort, support and defend you if life ever brings you sorrow.

I promise to be forever faithful to you.

I promise that from this day forward I will always love, honor and respect you, I will always stand by your side, there is nothing I won't do for you, all of my life.

I promise to always listen to the words you speak, and listen even harder for the ones that you don't.

I promise to bring joy, strength and smiles into your life.

May the bond that we make today, never be broken, and may it only grow stronger for the rest of our lives, may we never forget how we felt the first time we stared into each others eyes, the first time we said I love you and how we feel standing here today, because our love is exactly that, Ours. And you and I , and only you and I, have the ability to nourish it and make it strong and grow. It is our strength that binds us and our love that will carry us through, all the days of our lives.

You are where my heart is, and the reason that I believe in love. As I have given you my hand to hold, I give you my heart to keep."

Who Knew It Would Be This Complicated!

Within a few days of being married, we decide to start trying to have a baby. We didn't know what "infertility" entailed, maybe a few extra steps, some medicine, an extra trip to the doctors? Who knew I would end up giving myself shots. And so began our journey through infertility, that I thought [so naively] was not a big deal.

Initially, it was not something we felt sad or worried about. I was not yet in the infertility trenches of yearning for a child. I was in the beginning stage of asking ourselves, how long will this really take? I will take chlomid pills, give it a whirl a few months and there you have it...we will make a baby. Uh, NOT what happened. 

After doing 4 cycles of chlomid with no indications of HCG, it was time to be referred to an Infertility Specialist, Dr. Lori Arnold.

This is when ALLLLLL the pieces began coming together to form the much needed BIG PICTURE for me. Here was the bottom line which finally became reality for will be hard to get pregnant. Period.

It is the strangest thing. When you talk to anyone who has had a similar journey, you realize they never really can forget. The sadness and pain, I mean. Someone in my church support group who has 4 children under 3 (triplets about to turn 3 and a 13 month old) still says it is hard to hear when people are pregnant. The same for me. And everyone I know seems to have a bun cooking or the timer just went off. But I will delve into that issue a little later. Just wanted you to get a sneak peek into the genesis of April becoming a mommy. 

Until my next post...... <3